Vipassana: The Tool That Brought Me Back to Myself

I rounded up my fourth Vipassana course in the mountains of Mexico two weeks ago. The reason why I have done it the fourth time, was that I had completely lost the silence in myself. I was running up and down with my mind with tasks to do and things I wanted for my future. I did not meditate every day after the third time I went to do Vipassana in 2023 and my mind was going overdrive in overthinking and overdoing with my day to day life. I knew that if I would do it again, I would be able to sit still and put everything back in order and it did.

Before I tell you more about my lessons, maybe it's good to explain what Vipassana actually is.

Vipassana means: To see things as they are.

So not how you want them to be, or you think they are, but the reality of it. How we learn to see things as they are is by doing the meditation technique of Vipassana. You learn this at the course and the course is free. The old students (if you complete a 10-day course you become an old student) are the ones that cook food for you on these 10 days. So the giving and receiving loop is endless and there are Vipassana centers all over the world (115 centers I think). It is pure on donation basis that the centers function. People from all walks of life and religions can participate as the technique is universal and simple. It's also a silent meditation, meaning that you can't talk for 10 days to your fellow students, only to the teacher for meditation/life questions and the dedicated manager (men and women are separated) for practical matters. There are instructions given every day and everything is organized in a manner that suits the students best.

Goenkaji (the teacher who learned from Buddha – Buddha means enlightened person - and has created this course) mentions that we all have cravings (desires) and aversions (things we do not want) in life and that we sometimes tend to keep these patterns as a part of our identity while it is not. We are able to cut off these patterns and remove the roots of it by meditating. If we practice it well – and a 10 day course sure helps you get into the deepest roots – we are then finally able to stay equanimous when these impulses of cravings/aversions arises. Being equanimous means that you are aware of it, not pushing it away and observe it passing away again. Because with everything; it arises and passes. Everything is impermanent. Everything changes. This is a universal law.

By meditating, you'll be able to develop the muscle of the mind, like we train our muscles in the gym.

My Vipassana course this time was profound. In the most simple way and then some were very deep. The biggest and overseen simple lesson that I didn't get in the first three times is the lesson that craving for food IS a craving. Food has always been second nature to me and I always had a desire to eat or cook different kinds of foods. My nose, how small it may seem, is super strong and I am able to taste food so well, that's why the love for it. I didn't realize that the days could have been more enduring to me in previous courses if I only realized then, that I was creating a big sankara (how Goenkaji describes it) towards food. A desire. I was desiring food so much because at the course, we eat healthy vegetarian food and I was fantasizing over steak, cheesy pizza and pasta, fries and what not. This time, I realized, that it was a BIG sankara needed to be removed and I was observing and meditating and realizing that this craving/sensation too, will pass. Because with everything: we crave sensations. We don't crave a drink; we crave the feeling we get after drinking. We don’t crave junkfood, we crave the ease of not needing to cook or instant feeling of fullness. We don’t crave shopping, we crave the sensation that the certain item provides or represents. While all of this is really okay and nothing wrong with it; the idea is to not roll into it and make it bigger than it needs to be or that eventually will hurt oneself or others. I love wine, I love fried foods, I love shopping like a lot of people in this world, but the theory is; you can re-balance so that it doesn't hurt our (mental/financial) health.

If you think about it, it is really the positive or negative sensation that we do want and do not want. Life can be an endless chase or heavy reaction to these cravings and aversions, so being able to be equanimous about these things is the key to a happier life.

The deeper lessons that I got from doing it this time, were childhood memories that came up. I am happy that I got to process them in a way that now they have a place of their own in my heart and mind. I was able to feel sadness for them, process them and then tuck it in the closet of personal experiences that now have deeper (if not, total) understanding and not a thing that might obstruct me in my personal relationships with myself and/or with others. I was talking to the appointed teacher about this and Vipassana is a great tool to use in combination with therapy. So Vipassana helps us regulate ourselves and to become aware of things in our lives but it does not substitute deeper therapy that sometimes is needed.

Vipassana is an effective tool to come back to your balanced self, after life throws curveballs to you. But I'm not here to convince you, because a 10-day course like this is something you really need to want to do... it is a commitment.

Initially, back in 2016, I was scared of going, that I might lose myself or become a tree-hugger (which I have become in a total different great way), but all of that was just fear. Fear is really fear of the unknown. If we don't know what the thing is, we make up anything to fill in the blanks. The good thing is, you can beat fear by doing. Because then, you're filling up the "unknown" with your own experience, your own energy. But do it only because you feel called by it, or feel that it would help you in whichever way. For me, I choose to do it, no actually: I needed it. But that's a story for another time and is one of the reasons why I created Evrin Beauty. I was so convinced and grateful after the first time I did Vipassana, that I created two youtube vids about it back in 2016. Feel free to watch them below.

Thank you for being here. Sharing this part of my journey feels meaningful. 🤍